joy.

Say So.

on January 11, 2012

I am a firm believer in testifying.

Testifying what God has done in our lives.

Not to brag. But to bring glory to Him and what He is doing in His people!

God has done some big, big, big things in me.

And it’s time for me to say so.

2011 was far from a good year for me.

A relationship that I was just certain would be life-long was finally severed.

My grandpa was in and out of the hospital, and we were finally told that he was in the final stage of his disease.

I began having some weird health problems.

I found out that my roommate and one of my dearest friends would be moving back to Nebraska in the middle of the school year.

Therefore, I made the decision to move off campus and complete school online.

Thus, leaving my friends, leaving the support base, leaving the Godly community I had become part of, and trading it for a lonely life.

Several doors slammed shut in my face as far as missions trips.

And, the last two weeks of my year were spent heartbroken after a hurtful situation.

As the last one is the most recent, this is what I’m going to focus on most right now. I’m not “over” this, as I found out today (the hard way.) But, God is doing some huge things through this situation, and I’m hear to say what they are.

After a serious relationship ended a little over a year ago, I had a very hard time letting go. I was seriously heartbroken by it and couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t work out. I kept hoping that somehow it would.

It didn’t.

I began to slowly pick up the pieces of my life. Slowly begin looking for a direction to go. Slowly began to accept possibilities I hadn’t ever wanted to consider.

What if I’m not getting married right out of college, like I have always planned?

What if I’m going to be single for years?

What if, what if, what if?

I had no idea where to go. No idea if I ever even wanted to try and open myself up to anyone ever again, no idea if I ever wanted to put myself in such a position to get hurt this bad again.

I was finally to the point where I was healing and moving on. It took a while. But God began showing me where my joy needed to come from (Him!) and I was finally becoming content with being single and falling in love with Him before falling for anyone else.

And then.

A really great guy walked into my life. Completely out of the blue, completely unexpected. We hit it off as great friends immediately, spending hours texting, facebook chatting, skyping, talking on the phone, and hanging out when he was able to be in town. Eventually he told me he had feelings for me. We both had some serious baggage coming into this, and I wasn’t ready to let my walls down yet.

Being the great guy that he was, he completely understood that and did not push me at all, telling me to take my time and figure out what is best for me.

As time went on, I eventually decided that I was ready to give this a shot. Ready to open myself up, ready to trust him because he had proven himself trustworthy and was someone I was more than willing to take this risk on.

The very day I planned to tell him that I was ready to go for this, ready to jump in, no more reservations, a girl from his past walked back into the picture and presented her newfound feelings for him. Long story short, by the end of that day (Christmas Eve, believe it or not…) he made the decision to pursue this other girl despite his promises that I was what he wanted and nothing she had to say could change that.

It’s been three weeks and I am still devastated. In fact, today he posted something on Facebook about her and my heart suddenly found itself dropping and I felt sick to my stomach. To be instantly dropped, to be suddenly not good enough, to suddenly have promises I’d been hearing for a couple of weeks broken, to be crushed as SOON as I finally let my walls down…it was NOT a good way to spend Christmas, let me tell you.

I’ve told him that I am happy for him, happy that he is happy and getting the chance to pursue something he has wanted to pursue for a long time. And I am. But….I’m also hurting. Hurting for myself. Hurting for my heart that was broken, hurting for the relationship that proved itself worthy of trying but instead shattered me. My trust was betrayed, whether intentionally or not. And that is something that hurts, even more so when you are learily putting it out there for the first time since a major hurt.

You’re probably wondering how on EARTH this is a testimony to God’s glory. I just said that as of today I was still devastated, so that can’t mean that this is a testimony.

Can it?

Actually, it can. 🙂

This is a testimony in progress. It is not complete. God is working in me currently. And though I don’t see the completed project yet, I see the direction He is taking me.

So. 🙂

At Hastings the other night I discovered a book called “Lady in Waiting” by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. This book is about “becoming God’s best while waiting for ‘Mr. Right.” Page one had me hooked. The second paragraph states that this book “is not about finding the right man, but being the right woman.”

Whoa.

What a smack in the face to somehow who has just been crushed by someone she thought could be “Mr. Right.” As I began asking myself, “am I prepared for that? Am I the woman I should be?” this book answered that question for me almost right away.

The answer is NO.

Page two says that “Happy indeed are those people, married or single, who have discovered that happiness is not found in marriage but in a right relationship with God.”

Digging deeply, I discovered that I was consumed with the idea of getting married, having a family, and inevitably being happy. However, this book questioned that idea. I had this idea that I have to be married, have to have someone special in my life in order to be happy.

However, as the book states, “Incompleteness is not the result of being single, but of not being full of Jesus.”

I realized right then and there that I could NOT be involved in any relationship until I became truly satisfied in my relationship with Jesus. I had to complete myself as a daughter of God before I could complement that with the man He has for me. We were not made to complete other people. It’s impossible. We are to be complete in Jesus, and complementing each other is our privilege from that.

I am only a couple of chapters in to this book, but it is challenging my way of life. It is forcing me to look at my attitudes, look at my dreams, look at my actions, and look at my plans and compare them to what God truly wants of me and in my life. And honestly, right now they don’t line up.

 

So, here is my testimony.

God is teaching me how to be COMPLETE. How to dream. How to live my life. How to plan for my future. How to seek Him. How to step back and let Him work His magic in my life without interfering.

To God be the glory!

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